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Monday, 19 November 2012

Who is my one True Twin?


So here we are again, back to the same question. Is H my Twin Flame? I honestly don't know. If I had to go by my feelings then I would have to say yes. As much as I don't even like him sometimes, my love for him never wavers. Is Rob my Twin Flame? Again I honestly don't know that either. I do love him very much but this relationship is hard to judge because of his being in spirit and my being physical. 
I am going to tell you how I deal with this most of the time but first I need to explain a couple of things so you have a better idea of why this is so hard for me to decide or know who my Twin Flame truly is. I'm going to refer back to the webinar I did with Angelina Heart about 3 years ago now. In that webinar she repeatedly said that our Twin Flames are first and foremost a stream of energy, a stream of consciousness if you will. She said it doesn't even matter whose face we put on him or her because it's not so much the person as it is the energy of our Twin Flame that we love. Let me explain that a little further.

We are spirits having a human experience and not the other way around. BUT only a small portion of our soul inhabits these physical bodies we live in. The rest of our soul is back home in the spirit realm. I have also read that there are roughly 10 more of us running around down here on the planet, that our souls split into 12 parts. One of the 12 pieces of our soul always remains in spirit and acts as our higher self. The other 11 choose to take on physical form down here or some could even be on other planets in other solar systems or some could even be in other dimensions. It is unlikely that you will run into another part of your soul except your Twin. 

Now to stretch your minds a little more, we are all energy. Everything is energy no matter how dense or solid it seems. The solid objects just vibrate at a slower rate than we do and that's why they seem solid to us. The spirit realm, which I have read is all around us, vibrates at a higher level than we do and that's why we can't see them. Unless of course you have the gift. So these vibrations of our souls can move in and out of a body at will, with the other soul's permission of course. Think of it as fingers of light moving in and out of a physical form at will. This is what I have been told happened with H. That he held the essence or energy of my Twin for a time and then that essence was withdrawn. In some ways that makes sense to me because there are times when I have talked to H that he doesn't seem to be the same man I fell in love with. More on that in a bit. 

There are other theories on what happened there too. One is that when we came here, decided to incarnate in a physical body, we did so to have certain experiences. Some of us came here with the mission of helping transform negative energies back to the light. I have read that we shouldn't judge anyone because we don't know what that person's agreement with God is. For example, if H, as my Twin, took on the mission of transforming some dark negative energies around relationships and sex, then the only way he can transform those energies is by living them and overcoming them. Not sure if that makes sense, you have to live the energies to master them maybe is a better term, and then transform them back into the Light. That theory makes sense to me too.

Then there is the theory of Indigo children. I believe that I am an Indigo child and if I am then it would make sense that H being my Twin Flame, the other half of my soul, he would be an Indigo child too. I was led to read an article on Indigo children that talked about 3 types of Indigo children. I don't recall the first two types but I do remember what the third type is because it was something I hadn't heard of before. A type three Indigo child is one who comes into a physical body and shares that same body with a lower evolved soul. The idea being that the higher evolved soul will try to transform that lower evolved soul into a higher one and then it would be released back into the light. So in essence two souls in one body. Now when I read this the first time I couldn't even wrap my mind around it let alone believe it to be true where H is concerned. It took me a while to even entertain the idea. However when I looked back over my relationship with H, I could see how this was very possible and very likely true. 

There were times during our relationship when he was out of contact for a time that he would come back and think we had just talked yesterday or a couple of days ago. For example, a couple of years ago now, I think the first summer after we met, he told me that he was taking 4 weeks vacation starting the next day. He said his wife was going to visit her sister in New York and he was staying home with the kids. I was a bit concerned as we did most of our chatting when he was at work. We both worked the night shift and it was the perfect time for us to chat when things were quiet with our jobs. His being home for 4 weeks to me meant less communication and I told him that. He said not to worry, that we could still chat when his kids were outside playing and we would be fine. Well the next time I spoke to him was his first night back at work after those 4 weeks were over. 

In the meantime I had called and left messages on his cell phone, I had sent text messages, I wrote e-mails and left offline messages on Messenger but I never heard a word from him in reply. I didn't know if he was alive or dead at this point and this was the longest time I had gone without talking to him up to that point in our relationship. I think the longest before that was a week when his then 4 year old son was in the hospital. Funny thing is, I knew the dating sites he was on and there were many nights during that 4 week period that he was showing up as online on at least one of those sites. The site he was online on the most was actually an online sex site. I couldn't understand it for the life of me. However I came to realize that he was ALWAYS online on that site. I mean he would literally have to be awake for 24 hours a day every day according to his online status on that site. I know because I would check at odd times. I knew that was impossible but still I figured he had to be on it sometimes for his status to show him on there at all. It wasn't a happy feeling to realize that the man who is my Twin, the other half of my soul, was chatting up women on this sex site. I read his profile, I knew what he was looking for on there. 

Oh and by the way as an aside here, I'm not sure if I mentioned before that he is married. Let me say this here and now, I am not a home wrecker. I don't do married men. When he and I first met this was just supposed to be friends. He told me up front that he was married with 2 young children. I told him that was cool but friends was all it would ever be. That worked out fine till the first night I chatted with him on Messenger a few weeks after we first started communicating. He found me on a dating site, lol. The first night we talked we had this connection. It was beyond anything I had ever felt before with anyone else. We were communicating telepathically. We had sooooo much in common considering the distance between us and the different cultures. We talked for 5 hours straight that first night and I knew I loved him before we said good night.

I went through a rough time trying to assuage my guilt over loving a married man. BUT, as I  have said, he's on every dating site known to man. Does this sound like a happily married man to you? He assured me I wasn't breaking up a happy family, that the only reason he was still in the marriage was because of the kids. I believed him and why wouldn't I when I was finding proof that I wasn't the first online relationship he has had. So I quickly overcame that guilt. Something else I was told and also read is that if you meet your Twin Flame and one or both of you is in a relationship or married it means that one or both of you isn't ready yet for the reunion. I figure that is the case in our situation. When the time is right and we are both emotionally and spiritually ready for our reunion in the physical then the way will open up for us to be together.

Let's get back to my story and back to the first night I talked to him after that 4 weeks vacation. I wasn't taking a chance of going online to wait for him to show up so I called him at work. I knew he wouldn't know it was me because I had called him there before and he had told me it doesn't show my number but just says "outside call". He would have to answer the phone and I knew that. When he heard my voice he was frantic. He said his cell phone was in for repairs as his son had dropped it in the toilet the second day of his vacation. His computer was in for repairs too as he had picked up a virus and the thing crashed. This was his excuse for not being in contact. I told him about checking out that site and seeing him as "online" on there for the whole 4 weeks. 

He said it wasn't possible and he didn't even use that site anymore. He said I needed to understand about the dating sites he had profiles on that he didn't frequent anymore. He said when the internet was first brought to Barbados, it was a novelty to be able to be online and put profiles on every site he could find. He said he had since forgotten most of the sites he had profiles on. I knew this was true as there were sites that stated his last time online was several years ago. But I also knew that there were sites that stated his online status was yesterday. He of course denies what I say I find and has legitimate reasons why he can't be on there when it shows he was. 

Now I'm pretty good at finding things online. There was a time when he was out of contact and I found a post on another lady's profile written by him during the time I wasn't hearing from him saying, "I'm here LC and you're on my mind!" I won't say how that made me feel but I can assure you that I let him know what I found and how that made me feel to read that. He knows I can find stuff like that and yet he seems not to care. I know, I know.... I have been told that he's a player. I got that loud and clear. But does that mean he can't be my Twin too? I don't know. Could it be that this is part of the darker energy that he came here to experience and live and then overcome and transform? I don't know that either. 

I'm sure there are some of you thinking I'm nuts. There are times I feel that way too believe me. But what do you do? How do you react to things in the light of someone being your Twin Flame? I know that if he's my Twin that it doesn't give him free reign to do what he wants and know I'm still going to love him, but honestly what do you do when faced with all of this?? He used to tell me that I was letting my past interfere with our relationship. I told him about my past history with men and my ex in particular. I have had very little reason to trust any man and I am always suspicious I guess. It doesn't help that I am some what internet savvy as to finding things online. So if there's anything at all to find then chances are I will find it. You would be amazed at what I have found related to him online. He would be amazed too, lol.

Then there were the times when I would get things from him that I knew my Twin couldn't be involved in. Things that related to sex but not just sex, the darker side of sex. Things I couldn't read or even look at, they were so far below what I had ever come across in my limited experience. I didn't understand where those things came from because the man I knew was kind and gentle and yet strong of spirit and wise in so many ways. Yes he and I talked about lovemaking many times but what those e-mails said or the photos depicted were far beyond anything he and I talked about. The man is married and has young children. I know we all have a darker side but this was way beyond that. 

Then there was one time he posted a photo of himself on Messenger and when I looked at that photo my first thought was "who the heck are you and what did you do with my Twin???" I am very familiar with his face as we talked using webcams as much as we could and I had other photos of him on my wall. None of them looked like this man. Or I should say the soul looking out through his eyes was not the soul of my Twin. I actually got chills looking at that picture. It gave me the creeps. So I made my peace with the fact that my Twin, the higher soul was sharing that body with a lower soul. It was the only thing that made sense to me. 

It is said that many type 3 Indigo children are Autistic and some even have been diagnosed with Schizophrenia. Not all cases of Autism or Schizophrenia can be attributed to Type 3 Indigo children but a lot can. My Twin for all intents and purposes was like a split personality. I was told that the reason I didn't hear from H for weeks sometimes was because the lower soul had taken control which could happen if H was physically sick or under a lot of stress. The lower soul wanted nothing to do with me, couldn't stand to be in my light, so he would stay away except to send me something disgusting. I was told he did that in an effort to drive me away from H. That if I left H then chances are he, the lower soul, could gain complete control over the body they both shared. I was told that it was my mission to remain in contact with H and to send him love and light as much as possible so that he could fight that lower soul and remain in control. I was told if I gave up and stopped all contact, that my Twin would have nothing left to fight for and he would give up. So I wrote him every day, I sent him text messages telling him I loved him. Even on the days when I didn't know if I could write him I did because I wanted my Twin to know I loved him despite this lower soul who was doing everything in his power to keep us apart.

Going back to all the online stuff I would find and how his dating sites might show him as online when he said there was no way he could be, that could all be attributed to this lower soul having control. I was told that if the lower soul had control over the body, the consciousness of my Twin is kind of in the background. My Twin would have no memory of what the other soul was up to while it had control over the body. If he did remember, it would be like a dream, very distant, and he wouldn't know if it was real or not. So his being online and then denying it to me could very well be his memory or lack there of regarding those events. During our relationship H had caught the Dengue Fever a couple of times. That's a virus that is common in the tropical areas and is caught by a mosquito bite. He would be so sick that he couldn't get out of bed he would tell me, and yet his profiles that he used would show him as online during this period of illness. Now this fits with the theory of the lower evolved soul gaining control if the body was physically ill. 

I know this all sounds crazy and maybe I'm deluding myself when I say I believe this. However, you would have had to live through my relationship with H to understand why I do believe it. I know H sounds like a player and a user and many other things as well, but the man I knew and fell in love with is none of those things. He is warm and kind and generous. He has a strong spirit, he's wise beyond his level of education and he's such a great dad. I know that because I have seen him with his young son online. I know how much he loves his children and how much they love him. That is a little hard to fake. They only know me as one of Daddy's friends. However I haven't talked to him online at home since the first year we were in contact. 

H is a poet and writes beautiful e-mails that read like poetry. He has such a way with words that makes me weak at the knees and that was part of what made me fall in love with him. This other lower soul, when he has control and writes me, well he has a hard time stringing words together never mind poetry. This was why I felt that my Twin had become a different man. There was a long period of time when I never heard from my Twin at all but during that time I would have a little communication with the other soul and it's not hard to tell the difference between them. The difference is dramatic and you wouldn't believe it unless you experienced it for yourself. 

Now when I say "I was told", the telling came from my friend's Twin in spirit. He would convey messages to me through her. He was the one who led me to read that article on the three types of Indigo Children along with the article explaining how we sometimes take on missions of transmuting/transforming lower energies into higher ones for God. There was a time when my friend's Twin gave her a message for me saying that H was in dire need of hearing from me right now which came after I hadn't written him for about a month. So I started to write him but the writing wasn't easy because all I wanted to say or ask was why after so long without hearing from me, he hadn't come looking to see where I was. I was angry and bitter and couldn't find anything other than anger and bitterness to write. My friend kept asking me how the writing was going and I would say that I kept deleting what I wrote and restarting. She said that there was no time to waste on that and that her Twin was saying to forget my anger and hurt and just remember the love I felt for him and why and write that. So I did and kept it brief and sent it. Within 3 minutes I had a reply back from H. My friend's Twin said that if he hadn't got that message from me when he did I would have been too late and the consequences would have been something I might not have recovered from. He said that H was in a bad way and felt that I no longer cared about him. He said that H was contemplating ending his life before he got my message.

Some months passed following that episode and I continued to write H frequently. Not every day because there were days when I couldn't write. My own emotions would not allow me to send him the love he needed from me even when I wasn't hearing anything at all from him. It's hard to keep a relationship alive and  flourishing when it feels like you are the only one in it! Around this time I was reading a series of books entitled "Say 'Yes' To Love" by Yael and Doug Powell. The first one being "Say 'Yes' To Love, God Explains Soul Mates" and the second one is "Say 'Yes' To Love, God explains Soul Mates And Sacred Sexuality". There are roughly 7 books in that series and they are very beautiful. In those books, which are messages Yael receives directly from God, God asks us to always look with the eyes of our hearts and believe that Love is the answer to just about everything in a relationship. So I was doing that, trying to see H only through the eyes of love and letting everything else go as being only an illusion. Again a very tall order, lol. I am after all only "human". 

There came a time when my friend's Twin said that it was better for me to let H go now as there was nothing left there for me anymore. This came after months of heartache and depression for me from the almost no contact with my Twin in a very long time. The understanding I got was that my Twin had left that body to the lower soul and had moved on. It was around the same time that I met another man online who happens to be Rob's cousin. Rob is the man who has crossed over and is in spirit. The one I am questioning as being my true Twin Flame. So yes I met his cousin on Facebook and we had a brief 2 month online relationship. This man I will call T. T seemed to know an awful lot about me when we first started communicating and chatting online. He knew things about me that only H would know and this confused me. I thought at first that he must know H because again they are both from Barbados, but T assured me he didn't know H and that he hadn't lived in Barbados for 35 years. So there was a theory that my Twin had left H's body and now could be in T's body. It would make sense and explain why T seemed to know me so well but that theory was never proved or disproved. I still spent most of that relationship checking my e-mail and phone frequently hoping to hear from H. 

At one point during my relationship with T, I wrote H telling him that I had met someone else and was moving on. That I had gotten tired of waiting for something that seemed only I wanted anymore. I didn't really expect to hear back from him but I did. He wrote me one of the most beautiful e-mails I had ever received from him, and, trust me, being a poet and having quite the way with words, that is saying something, as most of his e-mails to me were beautiful. However in this one he said he was happy for me that I had found someone else. He said he loved me but as things were going from bad to worse in Barbados with the recession, he didn't know if he would ever be able to save up the money to leave and come to me. He had lost his job the year before and was only working as a gas station attendant at that point. Jobs were hard to come by. He said he felt like he was drowning with both hands tied behind his back. He didn't blame me for wanting something more for myself and said that he would always love me no matter what. 

Well after reading that e-mail I was in tears and there was no way I was going to walk away from H if there was any chance he and I might be together. I loved him too much. This was about 2 months or more before Rob died. Remember, if you are following this story as I write it, that I didn't know Rob even existed at this point. H and I remained in contact for a couple of days after he wrote me saying good luck with T. However true to form he dropped out of contact again. 

So now we get to the point I was getting around to making with all of this, lol. How do I settle my mind regarding who my Twin is or isn't. I go back to Angelina Heart's theory that it doesn't matter whose face I put on my Twin. He is and always has been a stream of energy or consciousness. There are times I am convinced it's Rob and then there are times I am still convinced it's H. Depends on the day and how I am feeling emotionally. It also depends on if I hear from H and if when I do, I still feel my Twin in him. For the most part I keep my relationship with my Twin on the spiritual level and let the physical stuff sort itself out. I know I have a Twin, I know his energy, the feel of his spirit. I have been told recently not to separate H and Rob, that Rob will come through H as he can. If however things change and I decide to end all contact with H then he will either find someone else who is better able to hold his vibration or just remain with me in spirit.  

Of course there are days when I still want to know which one is really my Twin. but for the most part I'm happy going with the flow. If H is in contact then I go along with that and if he's not then I still communicate with my Twin on the spiritual level. This past week however had me ranting and raving at my light team for leading me on this merry chase which I will never understand the need for to begin with. I get this song and dance about awakening me with H and then leading me on to Rob because he is in spirit and then onto my true Twin who is and always has been in Spirit, meaning he did not incarnate on earth at all or not in my lifetime. 

I have read that when our lives here are said and done and we go back home, we look back on our lives here and have a good laugh about all the trials we endured during our lives. I have told my team and my higher self that there is no way in hell I'm going to look back on this and laugh because I have hurt too much and cried too many tears to ever find any humor in this situation. The fact that all this might have been necessary to put me on the right path aside, to me, the physical me living this life here and now, this has been the worst joke or game, or whatever name you want to put on this roller coaster ride I have been living through, this has been hell. 

It makes me laugh to hear someone say they have found their Twin. If anyone thinks for one second that this will be happy-ever-after, or hearts and flowers romance, they can think again. Heck refer them to me, lol, I will set that record straight! On that note I'm going to end this post here. I'm not sure of the direction this blog will take from here but I figure give it a day or two and I will think of something else to share with you all about this journey of Twinship. Take care everyone. 

Love and blessings, 
Carolyn









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